Another Week Ahead

I had a poor nights sleep Sunday night. I can see why.
After pushing myself, or stretching myself to do too much in too short a space of time, my body fought back.
There seems to be a battle of the wills. Between my stubborn streak ( I will call myself this numerous time I am sure throughout this blog. Its my strength and weakness) and my can do attitude. I am, at the best of times, my own worst enemy. Equally of strong voice is my spine and its constant whinge in my inner psyche. It can either whisper in my ear last thing at night, Im hurting. Or it can yell so loud that no other voice, thought or feeling can over ride it.
At 4 am this morning, I found that voice screaming so loud, I laid there trying to describe pain in a real format. The only likeness I can give it is this.

Its like standing in a arcade, the type you recall as a child. Loud machines everywhere you look, alarms wailing and bells ringing to make everyone look at the winner.  
Each machine is lit up in neon colours, huge light bulbs flashing and blinking, almost trance inducing. 
No matter how much you screw your eyes tight shut and cover your ear's, all your senses are overloading. You cant escape the noise all around you. Even if you curl up tight in a ball. Its still there, waiting for you to open your eyes. 
Thats what chronic, unrelenting pain is like in your mind.
Its all consuming and you can't shut it off or out. Its exhausting. 
There's neon signs flashing, arrows pointing inwards screaming pain, its as if you a third person looking in.

Maybe its the wine I had with dinner talking, maybe its the hours ive sat here thinking of ways to describe it? 
Dh is snoring beside me, for once I'm jealous rather than cross. I wish I was asleep. 

Yesterday I joined husband and the hounds on a walk, a gentle walk in the sense of gradient and difficulty rating. It would once have been a 30 minute walk, we would have whizzed round and not stopped along the way. Only this is now, I dont whizz anywhere anymore. This is now a difficulty rating 6/10. 
The nemesis I face are muddy paths, soil which is soft and DARN my brain fog has just wiped my entire train of thought :( This I find infuriating. I will try and spell it out in the hope I either make sense to the reader or I remind myself the word I am aiming for. The ground is unguessable.......gageable? predictable?. I think thats the word.  Trying to walk on ground that isnt steady under your feet. 
When your feet arent very steady at the best of times, as in ever! Even a wood floor can feel uneven lol and I go wobbling side to side and I can trip over thin air. Yes really, I can. Its quite a talent!

Then theres the fact the dogs dont understand I have one speed now, they can just be walking and they are soon so far in front of me if anything came or they saw something Im nit near enough to intervene. Which means I push myself to keep up. Having a group of 12 pensioners marching past you with their walking poles and cagoules is disheartening, and embarrassing.  We are trying to come up with funny answers to the usual questions/comments of if you go any slower you will be going backwards, yes cos that is HILARIOUS! Are you ok? Or I thought i walked slow......

Then there is the pain bubble. My husband has mentioned I go off to another planet. To me it feels im in a bubble. Nothing going on around me registered just the fact im in pain. As I said earlier it takes over every thought in your head and is impossible to ignore. I was shuffling along finding myself panting and blowing out the pain like I did in labour with my son!! I will tell you what, it works! Focusing on the breathing helps switch your attention. Theres no wave of pain like a contraction though. Its just plateaued...........................................


So when we got home, I laid down in bed after taking my meds and waited for them to take effect. They didnt. I then had to prepare some scones and other bits for mothers day and we were going out to visit the mums so I didnt have time to rest. By the time I got to my mums I was pale with huge dark circles under my eyes, I just sat at the table with my head on a pillow barely aware of the conversations going on over and around me. 
I then spent too long sitting up in the car on the drive (25 mins) although heated seats are a blessing. pure relief having a hot water bottle feeling all down my back and bottom. The meal at mother in laws was the longest Ive sat at a table since december! 

When I got home I went straight to bed but couldnt sleep. The sciatica was horrendous as was the pain in just touching the bed. That awful flu like ache in your bones that you cant get comfy with.
As I had drunk several glasses of wine with dinner I decided to not have my night meds as they say do not take with alcohol not just avoid so I only had paracetamol!

Hence they poor nights sleep.
I dozed off after 130 am and was wide awake by 340 am. I stayed awake browsing the world wide web until 5ish Husbands alarm went off from 6am. So today has been a blur. I thought of dozing during the day but then I worried I wouldnt sleep well tonight.

I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau today. But I will post more on that tomorrow. I wish to go to bed now and my eye sight is straining on the laptop. So good night and wishing everyone a pain free sleep x