Not a weather announcement. Its how I feel this week.
I'm finding the dark feelings are becoming more frequent and intense. I still joke and smile when asked if I'm depressed. Me, depressed? No no, I'm too stubborn for that. I'm too strong for that. I tried being depressed, its not me.
I've rehearsed it so often it comes out my mouth so convincing that even I believe myself!
Why do I do it?
I don't want to be labeled as suffering a neurological problem and depression being the key element they focus on.
I don't like admitting I'm not a strong as I thought I was. I don't like losing.
FND and chronic pain has stolen a lot from me, I dont want it to steal my mind too.
My identity has gone, who I am has gone.
Fatigue and pain has increased a lot this week. I'm finding myself weaker and less able to do things I could do last week. Getting up the stairs is getting harder again. I got stuck last night as I just ran out of energy and my left leg refused to co operate and move so my son came and rescued me and helped me back to my bed.
Ive also been having strange attacks of some form of episode?? I get intense pain and fatigue in neck and shoulder muscles. Followed by a cramp feeling. Then heavy arms and I need to lay down. It passes after about 30 min's. Its happened 3 times this week. The headaches have returned too.
Could it be due to attending the job centre for a back to work support interview and neuro physio two days in a row? Both utterly exhausting. Both entirely worthless. More on them later. Eyes burning and head swimming.
S x
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